Special report

Haha this is special report - my heart condition. If you (anyone who follows this blog) realise, I don't like to talk about my condition too much. Cos somehow I think I prefer to keep a happy blog. Therefore I only blog happy stuff. And when there are unhappy things that happen I will only blog when it's done and over... or when I'm finally feeling better. But today I feel like blogging about my heart condition... since a few people have been asking me about it recently cos I no longer talk about it.

I am fine ya. After the surgery last April I felt alot better. Even though the condition is still there, April-Nov2008 was the period of time where my condition was most stable in this past 7+ years. Can't deny it feels like it's deteriorating recently... since mid December...

I am actually feeling quite scared to have palpitations now... like yesterday and today... for some reasons. My last appointment at SGH was on 16dec last year.. a month ago. Doctor told me that he has no choice and he's left with a last method that he can try to help me. But this last method is very dangerous. The catheter will not be poked through my inguen anymore.. it would have to be poked directly from the diaphragm area. And if poke from there it means a higher risk of poking the heart and causing heart perfusion. When that happens, I will have to be prepared for open-heart surgery immediately. And then comes more risk cos' it's open-heart. That is why I am now even more afraid of palpitations than before, cos those are signs of... a 4th surgery... which is this new method of poking me and I don't want that day to come so soon. Even though it's quite impossible, I'm also hoping for a miracle - a miracle I've been hoping for for 7 years - that it'll just heal by itself without intervention.

That's just a hope. I don't expect it to come true. I don't even expect that any new creative method of surgery would cure me. Somehow, over the years, I've learned to live and cope with it. It doesn't bother me alot anymore even though there are still times of discomfort. I think it even taught me many of life's valuable lessons.

I've been following Shin's blog - the lady with advanced stage cancer. Her link is on my previous entry. She just passed away. A week ago she was still blogging. According to what her husband posted recently on her blog, she has written in her will that she's willing to donate her healthy organs and her whole body for research purposes. I would like to do that too when I die. And hopefully future medical professionals can find a better way to remove my stubborn set of extra pacemaker cells. :P

Today is a rather bad day I can say... Went for post-trip sharing at Jamiyah Children's Home with my YEP team. It's been so long since I last felt such lasting palpitations. For the whole afternoon I was having faster than usual heartbeat. But maybe yesterday was worse cos' we had Biodiversity practical - which was a field study. Our TAs brought us to Kent Ridge (just next to NUS) for a walk and we learned about the different types of trees shrubs ferns and creepy crawlies. Kent Ridge...is a ridge... so yes, we had to climb this long steep flight of steps to reach the top where the field studies were carried out. Then for the rest of the session while we were all walking up and down slopes I kept feeling uncomfortable because the way up there already gave me a hard time.

For now I'll just try to keep myself happy -cos' emotions play a very big role for any kind of illness. So to anyone reading this who's also got some health problems, do keep your spirits high. :D I have this cute little quote to share - a quote I read in a Chicken Soup series that Meimei recommended to me:

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, for its body is way too big for its miniature wings. But the bumble bee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway. -Mary Kay Ash